Godforsaken Buildings
by Sincynati
Summary: Being abandoned and being alone are two different things entirely, but both hurt just as equally.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto. If I did, it wouldn't be as epic.

Thanks to **Taryn Streambattle**, who was the beta of sorts for this story. :)

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**Godforsaken Buildings**

The swing seemed all too comforting that day, silently swinging abandoned underneath the tree. Abandoned, just like him.

_No, not abandoned, _he argued with himself_, Just... alone. _

That couldn't be the right word. When you're alone, you have been abandoned, or you're abandoned when you're alone...

It had been a month since the attack, a month since he had lost his parents. He figured at least someone could bring themselves to talk to him. After all, he wasn't dead. He was still alive.

He shouldn't feel this ab- alone.

The boy slowly made his way to the swing, and then sat down on it gently. He could see the entire front of the academy- the grass that still wasn't green, the discolored boardwalk, and the strong, demanding Academy Symbol leveling high above everything else.

Everything had changed.

Well, not quite everything. True, the grass still wasn't it's normal lush color, and half of the academy building was still in ruins, but the yard was still filled with excited academy students and their senseis. The symbol still towered above all. But he wasn't out there with his fellow students, he was here, on the swing. Abandoned.

The word stuck to him this time. Even he couldn't change it into something else. Alone and abandoned.

A bitter taste filled his mouth and the child ceased chewing on his lip. No, not now. He couldn't cry, not in front of fellow ninjas. They'd think he was weak.

But that was the whole problem- he was weak. And no matter how hard hard he would try to hide it, everyone would see it.

Damn it! He was starting to cry now.

_No, you idiot, don't cry._

He sighed heavily. He could see proud parents and siblings greeting the newly announced ninja, giving them high-fives and tight hugs- in which the new genin would haughtily proclaim that shinobi did not show emotions.

But he knew better. He would give anything to have someone greeting him, someone hugging him.

The boy became a ninja today. He was on his way to becoming a man. But their wasn't a soul who seemed to care.

He felt like running up to the Hokage Monument and writing all over it. He felt like dumping a jar of glue all over the Hokage's desk. He wanted to scream.

But he had already done all that- and still nobody cared. Sure, his classmates would laugh and his teachers would frown, but soon it would be forgotten that he had done anything. He was the class clown, it was expected. And the class clown wasn't allowed to be upset, or sad. They had to live for the sole purpose of making their fellow students happy, to give them a laugh.

But how can you make others happy when you feel no happiness yourself?

He stayed on the swing for what seemed like ages, until everyone had trickled off. Nobody had stopped to wish him well, to congratulate him. Nobody cared. The heat of the day was over, and dusk was silently falling.

He hopped off the swing and slowly tread his way home, head down, hands in his pockets.

That's when he realized it was all his fault.

No wonder people ignored him- they knew it to. Stupid, stupid boy. He should have stayed, he should have fought...

He could remember begging to stay- he could remember fighting against the chūnin that held him down, screaming, crying. He should of broke free, he should of fought. He should of done everything he could of to keep them alive...

Failure, that's what he was. A failure.

He kicked a stone across the road, and then once again. If only he was stronger, if only he was smarter.

"Hey, kid, what are you doing here?" A voice called.

He looked up quickly to find Mitarashi Anko on top of one of the many ominous roofs, looking down at him. She had graduated the academy just two years before, but seemed so much older than all the others in her class, a lot older than the other genin.

She jumped down from the roof, landing squarely in front of him, her arms folded in some sort of defiance. " Everyone went to celebrate at the sushi hut- why are you here in this godforsaken place?"

Iruka looked at his surroundings. Godforsaken was right- the buildings around him where abandoned long ago, crumbling with lack of care and attention, with paint peeling from the tattered walls.

Abandoned, just like him.

"I like it better here." He said, not sure whether that could count as a lie or not. After all, both of them were abandoned- just the buildings had weather-worn roofs and scraped sides. They really looked alone. He wondered if that would be him in a few years.

"Yeah, but you could catch your death out here," said Anko with a little eye roll. "Your jacket isn't even buttoned up," she pointed out with a wave of her hand.

He absently pulled his jacket together. He had barely felt the cold. His mother always said he got that from his father's side of the family- almost never being truly cold. At that his father would laugh and wink, claiming that the worst the cold could do was kill you.

Iruka wondered whether his father was cold when he died.

"Hello? You alive?" she asked, taking a step forward.

"You don't even have a jacket," he accused. "You could catch your death here, too."

For some reason beyond the eleven year old, she laughed. She crossed her arms across her chest, like she had just felt the cold for the first time as well. "That'd be all fine and well," she said, barely above a whisper.

Iruka digested this for a minute. Who could ever be fine with death?

She looked at him and smiled, a obviously fake smile. He should know- he pulled it out often enough.

"Why would you be okay with death?" He asked, just a little rudely. "Dying would only cause more pain."

"No, you would be dead, dobe."

"But what about the people you leave behind?" he asked softly, "They... you have no idea..."

Her eyes softened for a moment. Iruka widened his eyes in surprise- Father always said eyes where the doorway to the heart...and this was showing him that Anko actually had one.

"You're that kid who lost both his parents, right?" Her voice had a softness to it he never thought possible.

"Lost isn't the right word..." the boy mused, "More like, they moved on."

"What?" Anko's eyes widened, completely baffled by his twisted logic.

"Well, I knew exactly where they were- sort of- so I didn't 'lose' them. But they got killed, and moved on to a better place," he explained.

But, what if death wasn't a better place?

"Hey, Anko?" he asked before she could say anything else. "What IS death?"

Now she looked irritated, but the boy didn't catch it. "It's when a sword or something gets rammed through you, and bam, you're gone. "

"... How are you gone?"

"What are you, a idiot or something? You're body "dies", your soul dies too."

"No, but where do you go?"

"You die. There isn't anything after you die." The genin was truly miffed at him now.

"How do you know?" he half questioned, half accused, " You haven't died."

He just wanted to believe he parents where somewhere- maybe they hadn't left him, maybe they were safe somewhere, watching out for him. He just couldn't see them.

Maybe he wasn't truly abandoned.

She opened her mouth to argue, but clamped it shut. "Whatever. You're just stupid."

The boy crossed his arms, the cold stinging him again. He could tell that he had pissed her off, that she wasn't one to be messed with now.

He needed to stop. Stop being so questioning, stop being so selfish.

Stupid, stupid boy, thinking his parents where still somewhere for him. How selfish, how petty. Now he hurt Anko somehow. He needed to make her laugh- draw her away from her problems.

After all, he was class clown.

He gave a goofy grin and peace sign. "Yep, that's right." He scrambled his brain for some type of joke, some prank to get her to smile, to laugh.

She raised her eyebrow and confusion at the boy. One minute he's serious as death itself, the next, ready to joke around. She half expected him to break out in a jig, the way this was going.

"Well, then, fine. If you admit your a idiot, you'll also admit what a loser, what a wimp and stupid little brat you are as well. "

He didn't waver, once his mask was up it stayed up. "What was your first clue?" He gave a little laugh.

"Crybaby."

He grinned, the biggest, brightest grin she had ever seen.

She sighed, completely irritated. Was there no way to frustrate this kid? He reminded her so freakin' much of...

With a mumble of "whatever" and a hand brushed through her hair, Mitarashi Anko leaped off, leaving him alone.

The first thing he could think was how, once again, he failed. If anything, he seemed to make her more upset with his antics.

Couldn't anyone be happy?

Alone. Abandoned.

Iruka dropped the smile as fast as it had appeared and pressed his back against a wall of a nearby building. A cold, cold wall.

_We do not want you here,_It seemed to hiss at him.

He pulled his knees tightly against him. Making people laugh, having them call him stupid... that was his job. And for once, he failed at one of the only things he was good at.

Failure.

Weakling.

Loser.

Freak.

For once all the names he'd ever heard, ever been called, came rushing towards him.

_Failure. _He failed, just now. He couldn't get her to cheer up. He failed, back then. He couldn't get his parents safe.

_Weakling._ Dead last in his freaking class. Couldn't fight hard enough against the stupid chunin who held him back, couldn't save his parents.

_Loser._ His fault. His fault they died.

_Freak._ He was a freak- always hiding behind this mask of happiness and fun, but really killing himself inside.

_Idiot_. He truly was one. An idiot, that is. A idiot is a fool, jokers are called fool's, and he's a joker. Besides, even a idiot wouldn't let his parents die, even a idiot would know to save them.

He was worse than a idiot.

Abandoned. Alone.

No wonder.

He couldn't blame his parents, or the people he once called his friends. Who would want to hang out with a joker like him?

He couldn't help it now, he was crying again.

Dammit, no, no, shit. He couldn't be crying, that would just show how weak he was again. Just show what a failure he was.

He could hear voices, coming down the dark, torn up road. Laughter. Bouncing of a ball.

He pressed deeper into the wall. Maybe he would be swallowed up by loneliness, maybe they wouldn't come down this godforsaken path... maybe they would ignore him. Because now his tears where flowing faster and faster, and he couldn't stop them.

He sniffled and wiped his snot on the back of his hand. If mother was there, she would have reprimanded him for spreading the snot all over himself.

But that thought only made him cry harder. He'd give up anything to have his mother yell at him one more time.

The voices where getting louder.

Damn it, he thought. Louder meant closer, and closer meant...

Out of the corner of his eye, two figures emerged, kicking a ball between them.

"Kotetsu, if that wasn't the lamest kick I ever saw then I'm blind!" the second genin shouted with a sneer.

The other laughed. "You are blind, idiot." He shook his head for emphasis, his long, brown, pointy hair flying wildly all over the place. "This looks like a good place. "

_What- crap! Here?_

"Are you kidding- doesn't look like it's been looked at in years!" the one with the hat said, picking up the ball.

"A million years!" Kotetsu shouted, throwing his fist in the air.

"A trillion!" The other said with a slight smile forming on his lips.

Iruka prayed fervently for the wall to cover him up, for the two figures not to notic-

"Hey! Who's that?" Kotetsu called out suddenly.

_Damn._

"Well, nothing's stopping you from asking him yourself. I don't know everything. " Izumo said.

"Hey, kid, we can't see you!" Kotetsu informed him. "Come out!" After a brief whisper between the two, a loud, demanding "Please!" filled the air.

Quickly, Iruka wiped his hands over his eyes, hopefully hiding any trace of tears. He stood up and placed his hands on his hips. "Hey, it's Iruka!" Kotetsu informed uselessly, trying to snatch the ball from Izumo's grasp.

Iruka glanced down really quick before looking back up to the two new genin. Like him, they had just graduated the academy and were finally ninja.

Unlike him, though, they still had family and friends. Unlike him, they were free to be themselves.

"What are you doing here?" Izumo asked, stepping closer and twirling the ball on his finger (which promptly made Kotetsu even more intent on getting it).

"I dunno. What are you doing here?" he replied, a bit more harshly than he meant.

Kotetsu didn't notice. "Trying to find a decent place to play ball at." He made a face. "The lot behind the sushi hut was overtaken by the stupid girls and some girly game. "

"But Raido and Genma were playing with them too," Izumo pointed out.

"See? All wussies," Kotetsu grumbled.

Iruka couldn't help but grin now.

"See- see, Izumo? Iruka's no wussie, 'cuz he agrees with me."

"I disagree," Izumo stated factually, throwing the ball to Iruka.

Iruka caught the ball, and couldn't take his eyes off it. Kotetsu threw him the ball.

"Then you're a wuss too, Izumo-teme." Kotetsu said, holding his hands up for Iruka to throw him the ball.

Kotetsu wanted him to throw the ball.

Kotetsu wanted him.

He suddenly turned pink at this notion, embarrassed that he could be so selfish. He had Kotetsu's ball, he just wanted the frickin' ball, not him.

Iruka tossed it to him lazily. Kotetsu eagerly grabbed it out of the air and stuck his tongue out childishly at Izumo.

"Hey, 'Ruka..." Iruka looked up quickly. Nobody had called him that since his parents died. "I know you're ... you know... well.." Kotetsu dug his toe into the dirt, avoiding Iruka's gaze. "I mean, would ya wanna play some ball with me and Izumo?"

Wanted.

Kotetsu wanted him.

Iruka stood their for a minute, shocked into silence. He hadn't spoken to those two ever, at all, except for the occasional time when they would ditch class with him. But they weren't the lets-chill-and-play-ball-all-night type of friend. They were the hi-in-the-hallway-if-you-remembered typed of friends.

"Stupid idea." Kotetsu muttered quickly. "Sorry."

"No, no... I mean, wouldn't it be uneven, two to three?" Iruka said, thinking on his feet. He was good at that.

Izumo brightened. "Nah. Kotetsu is a master at ball, the two of us against him couldn't beat him if we tried. "

"So you gonna?" Kotetsu pleaded, tossing the ball back to Iruka.

Iruka clutched the ball tightly, holding it against him.

Father had bought Iruka a ball just like this, a month before the attack. He had even shown him some cool tricks to do with it.

But father wasn't here anymore to play ball with.

Iruka bit his lip to keep from crying. Why did everything remind him of Daddy?

_That was one thing I was good at_, Iruka thought bitterly. _I was wicked at those ball tricks._

He could practically hear his father's voice in his head, gently reprimanding him; _And what have you done with them? Nothing._

Iruka threw the ball to Izumo, just to get it away from him. "Sure." He mumbled, before he could change his mind.

Kotetsu let out a whoop and jumped into the air, punching his fist up.

"Don't worry, he's all bark but no brains." Izumo shared with Iruka with a wink.

"Hey, whaddya say, dobe?"

"Nothin'."

Iruka smiled, knowing full well where this could head fast. "Only if it's not a inconvenience. "

"Wha- oh, you mean you playing? Dude, you're awesome at it!"

Iruka stood there in a stunned silence. "You... how- How do you know that?"

Kotetsu and Izumo traded shy glances. "uh... we see you practice. Sometimes. " Izumo said.

"But we aren't stalking you. " Kotetsu added quickly. "Just, um, investigating. "

"Yeah."

"And you're stinkin' awesome!"

Iruka digested this. They had seen him practicing the stuff dad taught him?

And they thought it was cool?

"Why- why where you 'investigating' me?" Iruka asked, feeling stupid for questioning them further. They where here, they wanted him... prying would only scare them off.

Kotetsu dug his tow into the ground again. "Um... "

"We actually where trying to get you to play ball." said Izumo.

"But whenever we see you alone-"

"Which is always."

"-you always seem really busy with some important thought. I mean, probably for the next cool prank!" Kotetsu exclaimed.

"Yeah, but now..."

"Now you actually seem human!" Kotetsu interrupted.

Izumo stared at his friend. " You could of put that in a bit more friendlier terms, you know. "

Iruka didn't care. They wanted him.

Kotetsu and Izumo wanted him.

Iruka beamed the biggest, most genuine smile that he ever had since his parents death. "What are you guys waiting for, then? I don't bite."

Izumo placed the ball on the ground. "Alright. Keep the ball away from Kotetsu!"

Iruka didn't have any more time for thoughts or regrets, he was to busy running and kicking and missing. Before long, the boys had shredded off their coats and where soaked in sweat despite the cool air.

Iruka found himself lying on his back, looking up at the tall worn buildings surrounding them. They seemed to be reaching to the sky, wanting something, anything more.

"What, are you done dobe?" Kotetsu asked, plopping down next to him. "Wow, this place sure is ugly.

Izumo joined them. "That's only because they've been abandoned. When things are left unnoticed and uncared for, they become hard and torn. But when people take proper care of things and truly care for them, they blossom and become beautiful. "

"That's stupid, Izumo, what if the poor buildings where made to be ugly?" Kotetsu argued.

Iruka felt a pang of pity for the buildings, even though they where just things- ugly, hideous, ratty abandoned things.

Abandoned, not like him.

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So, maybe you enjoyed it? Maybe you can take just a minute or two to review? I'd really appreciate it, and would try to review one of your stories, too! :)

Thanks~


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